Ever Google yourself just to see what kind of random string of (Your Name) labelled links come up and what/if any of them actually pertain to you? Don't lie... we all do it.
Today, as I meandered my way through Friday afternoon, attempting to focus while praying for 5pm, I completed such a search. Now, this partly had to do with curiosity, partly with wasting a bit of time, and partly... because I have been pondering the correlation between the past and change. To be a bit more specific, I have been challenged with the concept of change vs. growth. As the years pass, as we get a bit older, 'wiser', seasoned if you will.. And ..as we experience external and internal change.. are we proud of the person we are becoming? Or is it that, when we rewind and are reminded of pieces of ourselves and our past, we miss some of the way that things used to be, some of who we used to be?
A bit more explanation maybe...
Google returned the following on 'Kriss Marr' (drumroll please): 1) Myspace 2) Facebook 3) Xanga 4) Twitter 5) This Blog and a few other random work/linkedin/etc. So, all in all, fairly standard social media cray and normalcy.. or maybe not.
A few things jumped out at me. First, the ancient dinosaur that is Myspace. I meant to delete this ages ago but can't get into the email address connected to it so there it stays in a virtual archive. I scan through the friends and a few of the post and interests from years gone, and am reminded of a time when I checked for comments and kept my profile design and background on steady rotation cuz ya know.. had to keep it 'fresh' as it says so much about one's character which layout they use.
This led me to the writing world of Xanga. Oh yes, my friends, I went there. That original blogspot/wordpress scattering of words in which we all thought was 'oh so cool' to be able to journal for all the world to see. Unfortunately (or fortunately for some), as with real life journalling, most of us tapered off the emotional rants after a few posts. Although there was only a handful of entries from what I found to be my 2nd xanga account, those posts pleaded with me to seriously spar with this concept of change vs. growth.
Not to brag but.. alright here I go.. I am a decent writer! I was wowed by some of my own thoughts and insights that I don't even remember having.. let alone at 22 and 23 years old. I combed through my own words; remembering the emotions and circumstances that drove me to write with such passion and honesty. And then something happened... I missed that person. I missed myself...is that weird? Maybe.. but I did.
I didn't miss the time, or the place.. I missed the person. I looked at a period in my life when I should have been the most confused and I wasn't.. I was more clear than I ever remember. I was more loving and open and passionate.. and free.. than I can even recall at this time in my life.
So... what does this all mean? Is it that something is missing or is it just... different? Have I just grown 'up'?
I shifted down to the next link. This blog. As you can see from my first post, its been over a year since I have written anything other than the one and only entry. I called the blog 'The long way around..' because I was at a stage where so much had changed in my life.. a new country, new job, new people.. I felt that I needed a format to write about those transitions and how sometimes we go on destined diversions in our lives.
After thinking about all of this... I came back again to my original battle... Change vs. Growth. Maybe in life as we review the paths we have taken.. we realize something. Maybe in the 'rewinding'.. we start to see that the path actually does lead us all the way back around..to the beginning.. to our foundation..our core.
Of course, we move forward through changes, stages, and years. Hopefully.. we gain a deeper understanding and awareness in that time (growth), but maybe there is an embedded covering of grace which allows us to collect again those parts of us which we may have lost along the way. Those essential pieces of ourselves that we think we have to let go of in order to 'move forward', but are actually vital to who we are when we feel most whole... when we are completely free.
So.. I will leave you with that... and a warning that Googling yourself on a random afternoon might just spur such a string of thought.. but it's not always a bad idea to take time to 'Pause, Rewind and Review' even if you're not sure what you will find.
Try it.. go on .. I dare you.
Much Love,
Kriss
